How i really feel

How I Really Feel On Our Anniversary

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Pressured.

 

Friend, I love you, but sometimes you make me feel like my marriage lacks something. But it’s not you – it’s me. I get tricked into thinking that special days bring flowers and jewelry and surprise tropical trips (too much?) and that if they don’t, he must not care. Or love me. The pressure must be checked with truth that my husband in fact somehow still does love me and that his ways of ‘showing me’ are his own unique ways. His daily small sacrifices for me that express his love for me. We can’t forget the daily ways our husbands show love for us, or the pressure turns into frustration over unmet, unrealistic expectations.

 

Undeserving.

 

Too often I miss the best things about who God made my husband to be because I’m busy thinking about who is isn’t. When I stop to reflect on the man he is, tears fill my eyes because the most important things about him he already possesses. He loves unconditionally when I ask for change. He overlooks when I fixate. He sees potential when I feel overwhelmed. This man God made for me and the man God made for you – we are undeserving of these gifts, yet God loves us enough to bless us with them. #Lordhelpusrememberthis.

 

Guilty.

 

I can’t reflect and assess the wife I’ve been for my husband this past year without feeling guilty. Although I know I can never be the ‘perfect’ wife, there are many areas in which I can do a better job. Giving our husbands an apology and then soaking in God’s grace is a daily necessity. #morematuringcanalwayshappen.

 

Tired.

 

As much as a trip or an overnight sounds appealing, the truth is, I just want to relax and have uninterrupted conversation with my husband while eating hot food I didn’t make and don’t have to clean up. Can I get an amen?

 

Frightened.

 

Half the time I fear we (mainly me) are ruining our children with our ‘heated fellowship.’ These poor children have one colorful mama. Lord, help me tame my tongue.

 

Hopeful.

 

You guys. We’re still married after nine years. And we (well, mainly me) are a mess. There’s hope.

 

Torn.

 

The obligatory duty of this day is upon us (wink, wink), and I’m torn between my selfish ‘I want to, just not right now’ and what this day means and what I know my husband is hoping for. My heart wants to experience and remember that special day, yet the reality of today looks different. I know that choosing intimacy strengthens where we are today, and in the end it will strengthen our relationship. 

 

Excited.

 

God has changed my husband and I so much in nine years and continues to change us daily. If He’s brought us this far and has transformed our hearts this much, what will it be like in nine more years? #pumped.

 

Grateful.

 

Grateful that my husband is stable and that he still loves me – with all the emotions, over-communication, and flips from ‘all is well’ to, ‘THIS HOUSE IS A DISASTER AND WE MUST CLEAN IT ALL THIS MINUTE.’ Lord, bless him.

 

Normal.

 

All of these feelings I feel and that you feel – they’re normal. This mixed bag of thankfulness and love and exhaustion and conflicting desires is normal. Marriage is the realness we make it as we seek God together and become more spiritually mature. The beautiful mess of our ‘yes’ lived out each day in hopes to bring glory to God and build His kingdom. And it is as beautiful today as it was yesterday and it will be tomorrow. All the ‘feels’ included.

 

What about you? How do you feel on your anniversary? 

6 thoughts on “How I Really Feel On Our Anniversary

  1. Love this post and all the transparency, Amanda! ‘Heated fellowship!’ – That’s perfect. Anniversaries can feel like such a day of expectation…both what we hope for and the expectation we put on ourselves to try to outdo the regular days of the year. But the main thing I try to remember on anniversaries is that we are celebrating an accomplishment together…an accomplishment that we have continued to work together, committed to one another, regardless of what the individual days have brought us. Happy anniversary!

  2. Thank you for sharing your mixed emotions about your anniversary. Many couples can relate. The social expectations of conventional marriage brings our focus away from what God intended marriage to be. I am so very thankful to have a husband in which we both forget our anniversary. Honestly, we have to look up the date or one of the kids has to remind us. The reason we forget our anniversary is because we are blessed to celebrate our love and commitment to God and each other other every day not just one day a year. Do not confine yourselves to realistic expectations. God is so much bigger. Shared expectations and trusting God lets us to live a marriage better than the fairy tale. I know you and others count your husbands as blessings, but to reach the next level in a spiritual guided loving marriage is peaceful, beautiful and the biggest blessing I have ever experienced. Prayers for you and your husband to grow in trust and love through the Great I Am. Happy Anniversary.

    1. Hi Jacki, thanks for sharing your experience! I love the idea of ‘forgetting’ the anniversary date – yet at the same time, isn’t it beautiful to remember that day and the decision that was made – and that you’re still committed? In todays world, I think there is something to celebrate in that commitment. We have found that in our marriage, when we both place our expectations in what the Lord will do and we are committed to seeking the Lord, He brings our marriage to a new level that we could never make it be on our own. And for us, expectations we place on one another, shared or not, become expectations none the less, which always have the potential of disappointment. So our efforts and hope is in the Lord, and our marriage has been blessed to a new level because of that. Thank you for sharing what has worked for you!!!

  3. Ah yes, Anniversaries! My husband and I have Celebrated many
    of them and this year in June Our 25th. We’ve always made it a point to Get-Away, no matter what’s going on around us, just to take Time to be and yes, Celebrate Us. To remind ourselves of why we’re In this, to refocus, look back and more importantly look ahead. It’s healthy. It forces us, in a way, to act like we did when we first started out and just do everything together for a few days with little thought about anyone else or anything else and no interruptions. Love THAT. I tend to struggle a little bit with the expectation thing (partly because I’m such a Romantic and I really, really DO desire everything to be Romantic) but this year, maybe because it was Our 25th , I really felt a Holy Conviction come over me that I/we got married to display God’s Loving Goodness, His kindness and His very Nature to the World. Endeavoring from here on out to let that be my focal point in the going forward. This thing called Marriage, it’s such a beautiful, crazy hard at times thing and yet where would we be without Jesus and our He? Think about it. I know I wanna be a little (no a lot) more Grateful for the Gift of Marriage and not for one more day take it, take him, for granted. #BeChallengedChurch 👊🏼

    1. Oh Kathleen, BEAUTIFUL. Thank you for sharing your heart, and your tradition! What a beautiful picture to ‘get away’ and reconnect and refocus, no matter what is going on. I love that so much. For my husband and I, our anniversary now falls during harvest, which means my husband is gone for our anniversary. Because we know this, we set a time before or after where we still do something – anything – to have alone time. Usually it’s simply dinner and a movie – but it’s HUGE! I love him and I miss him, even though we’re home together each day! Thank you for saying that the purpose of our marriage is to display God’s loving goodness. How often we forget! It isn’t about us, it’s about living out the purpose for which He’s created us so that we can be a living example of Christ on earth. Lord, help us!

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