Sometimes our best qualities hurt our relationships the most. (16)

Interviews With Wives – Cari Weber

Posted on Posted in Uncategorized

Meet Cari Weber! She is married to Trevor, and they have 2 girls.

 

What difficulties have you faced as a wife?
Being loving even when I am not feeling loved!! My husband and I are very opposite of each other. We receive/give love differently. Our wounds rub up against each other. We often come to a point where someone has to choose to put the other first to move past our “stuckness.”

 

We have to be intentional about trying to look at things from the others perspective to grow and work through conflict. When we don’t do this, we stay stuck in bitterness.

 

I have to choose to show him love that he recognizes as love even when I think he is not showing me love as I like to receive it.

 

I am an emotional person who operates best in my marriage when I feel loved, but I know I need to love well despite how I feel! That is definitely not easy, but possible with God!

 

Also, I struggle letting go of control. I have a horrible habit of thinking I am right more often than I am (it humbles me to confess that). Fear can often come in and tempt me to hold onto everything so tightly. But control is only a façade. I need to constantly choose to trust God, and trust Him in trusting my husband as well.

 

Were there any unhealthy expectations you had going into marriage that you later learned were not helpful?

 

I thought I could “fix” things. I have learned that the best part I can play is to pray and do my part in being obedient to God.

 

Also, our culture – mostly through entertainment, including Disney movies with their “Prince Charming” – have painted a very unrealistic picture of what a husband/marriage should be. I think I unknowingly operated under the understanding that my husband would be my hero.

 

But my husband is a broken person too, working through his past hurts and pursuing healing. Jesus is my only hero/Savior. My husband is definitely a great protector and provider, but I need to be careful to not expect him to always be my hero – that opens me up to too much disappointment when he is struggling and can’t be that. Marriage wasn’t meant to make us simply happy (nor are our husbands), but holy – a picture of Christ and His church. It’s not about us. It’s about Christ. I think we can be better helpmates, when we are not always expecting our husbands to be what only God can be to us.

 

How did you struggle with housework and/or differences in amount of work each spouse does?

 

I get overwhelmed with housework – it’s just never done! But I am fortunate that my husband is very helpful in this area. I do the bulk of the housework, but he helps out with dishes and cleaning the floors sometimes when he is home from work. He also regularly takes out the trash.

 
I try to stick to a cleaning schedule to keep myself on track and to be on top of it enough so my husband can do as little as possible. We talk about what our expectations are. We can assume we know what the other wants but be totally off base. We need to talk, and not just expect!
In what ways have you struggled with intimacy with your spouse?

 

Our families differed in their levels of showing affection and in their processes of handling conflict. As it is with many marriages, my husband needed to get used to my level of touch as he wasn’t comfortable with it in the beginning of our marriage.

 

When he shuts down, I tend to get impatient and frustrated. When I get impatient and frustrated, he shuts down. It can be a vicious cycle if we let it be. And when we have broken emotional intimacy, we have NO physical intimacy. It takes intention!

 

In what ways have you struggled communicating with your spouse?

 

I am a talker (and an external processor). My husband is what I call a “waiter” (an internal processor). He needs time to stew on things before responding (and that is usually a longer period of time that I am comfortable with, to be honest). As a passionate person, I communicate passionately (w/ emotion) that I know can being overwhelming/frustrating to my husband. He can shut down easily, which is frustrating to me.

 

We saw a Christian counselor, which was somewhat helpful. My husband felt like he could talk more having an unbiased third party there.  And, without a doubt, the more that each of us are in the Word (Bible) and praying, honestly, the more sensitive we seem to be to the other person. The more I pursue God, the less I am getting stuck on myself, and the better we communicate.

 

I have learned what “dying to myself” daily means. As a wife, and a mom, that concept has become clearer to me. I have learned that I am a sinner, married a sinner, and am raising a sinner.

 

But much more, we are sinners saved by grace…GRACE! We need to have grace, and patience, with each other. God extends so much patience toward us! I have learned that “looking to others interests and not just our own” can be practically lived out in my life daily by not expecting everyone to do things the way I do them (i.e communicate), and rather reach out to them in a way they will respond.

 

I can’t make my husband do the same, though I can pray that he has a heart that wants to do what God has called him to do. I can only change me. So that is what I need to focus on, not how to change him.

 

How do you and your spouse connect the best? What does it require of you?

 

We connect the best when we are intentional about connecting regularly. If we go many days to weeks without sitting down and connecting (spending quality time together), then we tend to be more distant and prone to “blow-up.” We have made a point to spend a specific amount of time each night, when the kids are asleep, to talk about our day, as well as talk about areas of our life that are important to us (our faith, our marriage, our parenting/kids, etc.). Doing that regularly makes our more sporadic date nights much more enjoyable (than just a major “downloading” time). This requires making other things come second. Dishes come second. Work comes second.
What do you see young wives struggling with today? What do you wish they knew?

 

A few things…

  1. Comparison. Sweet sisters, don’t waste your time comparing yourself to other wives, your husbands to other husbands, or your marriage to other marriages. Look at your marriage as refining tool that can shape you more into the image of your Savior and as opportunity to grow and trust Him more. Comparison makes that impossible.
  2. Perfection. I see wives trying to be it all: the perfectly fit, best dressed, super-godly, super woman Pinterest mom with a clean house, paleo meals, and uber well behaved kids. Just stop. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. Love well. Be humble. Don’t get caught up in the distractions and perfections. Rather than fighting for perfection, be a prayer warrior! Your husband and kids will benefit much more from your prayers than your attempts at perfection. (Yes, I am speaking to myself as well!)

IMG_6194

Cari Weber is blessed to be a follower of Jesus Christ, a wife to Trevor, and mommy to Eliana and Rylee. Her passion is to know Christ and make him known, and to stir up and encourage those around her in their precious and powerful relationships with Jesus Christ. Colossians 2:2-3 speak her heart best: That their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. 

You can follow Cari’s blog here: carileeweber.wordpress.com, and you can follow her on Facebook here: facebook.com/asifollow.

2 thoughts on “Interviews With Wives – Cari Weber

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *